Adjective Watch

02 Feb 2010 0

People of Britain, we are under attack. Under attack from adjectives. They are being hurled at us mercilessly by horrid marketing people, particularly those who work in the area of food.

Case in point: I was in my local Tesco Metro last night and I bought two little apple crumbles. No wait, Bramley apple crumbles. No wait, sweet Bramley apple crumbles. No wait, Temptingly sweet Bramley apple crumbles. No wait, Tart, temptingly sweet Bramley apple crumbles. No wait, Tangy and tart, temptingly sweet Bramley apple crumbles.
Believe it or not, Mr Tesco, I’ve had an apple crumble before. I know that they’re not savoury, I know that I like them. I don’t need your mouth-watering description to make me buy the thing. It’s not like you stock a “Dry and musty, off-puttingly grey, crab apple crumble” is it? No. So take your adjectives and bugger off.
You can find a dozen examples of this sort of toss on any trip to the supermarket these days. I suspect that what we are witnessing is a form of inflation, begun by those awful M&S food porn ads where some sultry woman reels off adjectives while slow motion images of gravy being poured over glistening cuts of pork fill the screen. As far as I can see, the main difference between the standard and ‘Taste the Difference/Finest/Best’ ranges at the big supermarkets is the number of adjectives. Lemon sorbet becomes ‘Smooth, indulgent Sicilian lemon sorbet’. I become nauseous. Excuse me while I grab my bin and fill it up with thick, chunky, stinking, copious vomit.

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